


She deserves better

by xLittleScorpion



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-12 05:23:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11730372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xLittleScorpion/pseuds/xLittleScorpion
Summary: Alex is never enough. She's feeling numb and tired. Why was Maggie even dating her?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfic ever, it's short. Sorry for any grammar mistakes.

She felt she wasn’t good enough again. It came from nowhere. It had been a regular day, not many aliens to take care of so yes. It had been an easy day. It was at night, Alex was feeling numb, no reason at all, she couldn’t form normal sentences, she got stuck in the middle of them. Maggie was at her place and they were texting like every day, then her girlfriend sent her a long text about her day, and Alex felt so stupid for not being able to talk to her. Not able to answer a simple text with her opinion about a topic Maggie was pissed off about.

 _“You are so useless, Alexandra”_ Her mother’s voice appeared in her head. _“You aren’t good enough”_

And maybe she was right _Alex thought_. Maybe she wasn’t enough. Not good enough for her mother, not enough for anyone... Not good enough for Maggie. Damn, she could not even talk to her. Yes, she was having a bad day and Maggie would understand but she didn’t deserve to have to understand. Maggie was too kind, too caring. Alex didn’t deserve her, didn’t deserve to be happy.

She had no tears left, not because she had cried, she hadn’t, not today, but she was tired, tired of fighting, of surviving. She had struggled with the world since she was a kid and it was truly exhausting.

She could go to sleep or drink, both options would work to make her forget the pain she was feeling right then but she didn’t want to, she wanted to feel the pain because somehow, she felt like she deserved it.

Maggie kept sending her texts and she did her best, she answered the best she could trying not to sound off but she was dying inside.

“I’m so selfish” she muttered. Maggie always listened to her, took care of her, held her while she cried and Alex? She did the same, they healed each other… but today she couldn’t, she couldn’t get her words out, she couldn’t talk to Maggie and comfort her and this made her feel so…

“ _Selfish, you’re so selfish”_ Her mother’s voice once again “ _You should’ve to take care of her, I trusted you to do it, but you’re useless. I’m so disappointed”_ Tears threatened to fall but they didn’t.

She didn’t understand… why would someone like Maggie Sawyer choose to be with someone like her? She’s a mess. Maggie is destined to have an amazing life, after all she’s been through in her life she deserves it. Sawyer, the best detective in the NCPD and the strongest woman she ever met, deserved it all but not her… not a woman with anxiety and alcohol issues.

And bad thoughts kept coming through her mind. All her flaws, all her imperfections, all her mistakes, all her wasted opportunities, all the people she lost, all of those friendships that drifted apart “ _It’s your fault Alex… no one else’s”_ and right then she knew she couldn’t take it anymore.

Alex was tired…

Alex was done….

So she locked herself in the bathroom and after she closed the door the rest of the apartment went silent…

Almost. Two knocks and a muffled voice from the outside were heard.

 

 

 

 

“ _Alex?”_


	2. Okay until it's not okay anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments on the last chapter, sorry for the angst (this is a little lighter)  
> Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

_It's okay to feel bad, sad, broken… until it’s not okay anymore._

Not even a minute had passed since she closed the door and memories kept haunting her, tormenting her mind.

She got tired of being empty, of pretending things would be fine, would be better when she knew they wouldn’t. Once, when she was about to move to National City she found her old diary, she had written it when she was 15 and the first thing that caught her attention was a single sentence written in black: “ _How am I going to make it this year?”_ And hell, she didn’t know how she made it, how she managed to get up and go to school knowing things might never be okay again. Her father was gone, she was alone, no one understood her like he did, her opinions didn’t matter anymore at home, she was always chosen second, everything she did was a mistake to her mother’s eyes and as she didn’t want to cause more pain, she started to keep her feelings for herself. Then college started and things didn't get any better, they only got worst. She got through it though, but here she was; 13 years later with the same feeling of not knowing how to go on, how to be strong, how to carry on.

Other people would say her life was perfect, she had a wonderful girlfriend, an amazing (even if it was dangerous) job, she had money, she had a sister and a mother (yes, even her with her strange way to show it) that loved her, friends that were considered part of her family, and more... She had everything. Why wasn’t it enough for her? Why couldn’t she be happy? Maybe she wasn’t built for that. Maybe it was a kind of punishment for all her mistakes.

She thought when accepted her _real_  self that she would make it, _finally_ , her life would be as perfect as she had always wanted to accomplish, to please her mother, to be okay with herself, to be finally enough. That had to be it, right? Love was what she needed to get that desired perfection. She would finally be happy; her life would be complete. But everything was hard in the beginning because  _All she felt was pain because Maggie didn't want her._ Of course. Who would want someone like her? Nothing changed.

And when she thought things started to work out, she pushed Maggie away because, how could she think she could get happiness without paying the prize? She should have been protecting Kara. But things were talked and even if the fact Maggie thought she wasn't ready for their relationship made her feel not enough again, she fought against that feeling and and in the beginning, everything was perfect. And now? Nothing had changed, she still loved Maggie with everything she had, they were happy together but Alex felt she wasn’t good for Maggie. Her girlfriend had enough problems in her plate, she didn’t need to add more. She was always there for her but the _‘what if she gets tired of it?’_ questions started to go through her mind. But even if she didn't want to be a burden, she also didn’t want to lose Maggie, so she started to keep her feelings for herself just like she did when she was a kid.

People always leave. Why wouldn’t Maggie?

Maybe putting those walls up would slow down the process. Who would notice? All she had to do is put a smile on her face and say, _‘I’m fine’_

She was in this storm, kneeled on the floor, feeling like this was the end… No. This wasn’t just a feeling. This  _was_ the end. She didn’t care anymore about anything, she couldn’t think anymore, all she could feel was emptiness and all she could do was stare at the floor, an object in her hand, her mouth slightly trembling and some dry tears on her cheeks while others were ready to fall, but she didn’t feel them.

 _“If you don’t care anymore why can’t you do it? Why can’t you end it all for once?”_ Staying alive was a challenge, it scared her and she was used to feel pain but now? She had had enough. Dying also scared her, and honestly? She didn’t know which one scared her the most.

 _“You’re so weak”_ Her mother’s voice wouldn’t go away and that was it. Weakness. She couldn’t get those thoughts out of her mind.

 _“Not even brave enough_ _to end with your own suffering_ ”

Weakness had cost her a lot of things, and among them her father. It was her fault her father was gone. Maybe if she didn’t accept to fly with Kara around the city the DEO wouldn’t have find her sister was an alien? Maybe… maybe she would have her father with her if she wouldn’t have been so reckless? Too late to think about the what ifs but she couldn’t help but blame herself.

“ _Alex, you are the strongest of us all, your father always said that.”_ Lies. Lies and more lies. 

“I’m sorry for not being as strong as you thought I was, dad _”_ she whispered with her eyes closed in the bathroom floor holding with trembling fingers a bottle. She didn’t even have the strength to bring it to her lips. And after that almost soundless whisper all it could be heard was…   

Silence.

She couldn’t get her words out anymore.

Her mind felt like it would explode.

 _“I’m sorry for the troubles I caused you, mom. I’m sorry for not protecting you enough, Kara"_ She couldn’t get any good thought, every good thing she tried to think turned into a bad one. Her mind was clouded by darkness and she couldn’t see a way out of this tunnel.

She didn’t even hear her girlfriend knocking outside, calling her name.

After a few knocks and no answer at all. Maggie knew something had happened. Alex said she was at home so, or she lied, or there was something wrong. There was no reason for her to lie so she decided to get in with her key. She always got inside with it but since today Alex didn't know she was coming she had decided to knock first.

“Babe?” Maggie noticed there was light coming from the bathroom “Alex, it’s me, are you okay?” Silence. “Can I come in?” As she approached the door she saw Alex’s shape in the floor through the tempered glass of the bathroom door and didn’t think twice to open it.

Only when Alex heard the words “can I come in” she realized she wasn’t alone and had to do what she did best; pretend she was okay like her young self did many times not wanting to worry her family with her tears. She quickly dried those and looked up, to Maggie’s form entering the room with nothing but worry in her eyes.

She was still kneeled on the floor “I uh-I fell. I’m…I’m okay” The fake smile she gave her didn’t reach the detective’s eyes. An almost empty bottle of whiskey ( _almost because the content was spilled on the floor)_ was next to her. Maggie’s gaze went down to Alex’ arms, her hand looked like was covering her arm but she couldn't see well since her leg covered it. Maybe she had hurt herself when she fell? but when she saw the drops of blood on the floor her worry grew more. She opened her mouth to say something but before she could do that Alex was covering the blood with her knees.

“I’m okay Maggie. I’m not in the mood for company, please leave me alone”

“You’re hurt”

“No, it’s just…I’m okay I told you, please” Maggie kneeled next to her and when she tried to reach for her arm Alex snapped moving away from her touch but not enough to uncover the blood.

“what the hell, Danvers”

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” she turned around still on the floor, but what Maggie heard in her voice wasn’t rage… It was sadness, pain and she knew better than leave her alone so just held her from behind. “Let me go, Maggie” Alex’s voice broke at her girlfriend’s name and a few minutes later she started shaking and tried to let go of her girlfriend’s grip. She was almost touching the ground with her nose, her hair covered her face and arms. Drops of blood were still falling on the floor. In other occasions Maggie wouldn’t say anything, she would hold her tight until she calmed down but Alex was hurt now. Physically hurt.

“What happened?” That only provoked her body to shake more and more, making everything possible to stay on the floor. Maggie held her arms more tightly until she heard a steel sound against the floor followed by more blood drops. She quickly glanced at her arms until she found the blood source. "Oh Alex..."

A razor blade had made a cut on her palm. It looked like she had been holding it with such strength it caused a deep wound that would _definitely_ need stitches. Maggie put it away from Alex’s reach and tried one more time.

“Alex, talk to me…. please”

“I c-can’t do this anymore. I- I need the pain to stop, pl-please let it end” Her sobs turned quickly into a silent scream. She couldn’t voice her pain anymore, she felt like she was drowning in her own suffering and it hurted even to breathe. Maggie let her go only to sit next to her to try to hold her close. Alex broke down completely in tears getting blood from her hands on Maggie’s shirt. “I’m so weak, so useless and I couldn’t do- I … can’t fight anymore” With Alex crying hysterically now Maggie’s heart broke for not being able to help her ease the pain, for not being able to take Alex’s pain and make it her own if it was necessary to make her happy. She couldn't do that so instead she held her tightly.

 "Alex, no…No… you don’t want to die… you only want to be _happy._ I know you’re pushing me away because you’re hurting but Alex, I’m hurting too, it hurts to see you like this. Please, please let me help you. You are the strongest person I’ve ever met. Please keep fighting. You make me a better person. The world needs you, your mom, your sister, your friends, _I_ need you Alex.” Alex shook her head no and Maggie reached a small towel without letting Alex go and wrapped it around her hand to stop the bleeding. She held her for long minutes that looked like hours until the only thing that was left from her frantic screams were sobs.

“I c-can’t help but think in everything I’ve done wrong; all the troubles people would have avoided if I wasn’t there. Everyone would be happier without… without me”

“Do you think I would be happy, happier… without you?”

“You deserve better Maggie”

“You didn’t answer my question” Maggie carefully started to clean the cut with warm water putting pressure back on the wound with a gauze now.

“I know you would find someone else that doesn’t make you feel this… sadness all the time, you wouldn’t have to deal with all my problems, so… yes. And- “

“Stop. Just stop. You don’t get to do that, Alex. You don’t get to choose for me because no, I wouldn’t be  _happy_  with you gone. You don’t know how I feel but sadness? That’s the last thing I feel when I’m with you” Maggie cupped her face wiping some of the tears that were still falling. “I need you Alex, you are more than enough for me and sometimes  _I_  think I don’t deserve to be loved by someone like you. I want to be there for you,  _always;_ when you smile, when you cry, whenever you need _._ And I hate you are feeling pain right now because you deserve the world. You always think about others before yourself and It's not fair, you are worthy of love and happiness and I know you blame yourself for a lot of things but we all make mistakes and you have to learn to let those mistakes go, because as your past doesn't define you, your mistakes shouldn't either; you have to learn from them, and then? You'll do better next time. I love you and you can win this battle, and if it's too much? Just remember you don’t have to fight alone… not anymore... I’m here with you, no matter what and I hope you will be here for me as well. We are in this together, ride or die remember?” Alex nodded letting the last tears fall clinging to Maggie's body.

And in her arms... She knew that...

 

Not today. Not tomorrow.

But one day things wouldl be just…

_Fine._


End file.
